Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Insomniac - Entry 121

For some reason, I can't sleep tonight.  And this isn't good.  I don't blog when I'm emotional, or when I'm tired, or when the words don't come out perfectly.

Something bad happened when I was 20.  My junior year at CBU.  I posted a stupid video on YouTube, and it dramatically altered my collegiate career.  If it hadn't been for that stupid video... If I hadn't been awake and punch-drunk at 2 am... If I had deleted it the next morning...

If/Then. *

So since then, I am very careful about what I put out on the internet.  Shoot - I'm careful what I say to anyone at all.  I'm a very private person.  There are only two people in the whole wide world to whom I am an open book about my past.  Mostly because I experienced it with them, and so I can't hide anything!  But even then, with those two friends, with my sister, my husband, I find it extremely hard to be open about my feelings.  Sure, I talk about things in life.  New job, decorating plans, ideas for the future.  But I don't talk about how I really feel about things.  Not that much.  Not as much as I wish I could. 

I get asked what I think about things sometimes, and unless it's arguing about facts (ie politics, or history), I can't do it.  Don't ask me what I think about a passage in the Bible, or a sermon, or about what this book means.  I can't tell you my feelings, because if you misunderstand me, you might never talk to me again.

So it is 1:42 AM, and I am writing this, trying not to reveal too much.  Researching thrift stores.  Listening to so much Adele and Lana Del Rey that I actually cut my bangs tonight.

That is what I do at 2 AM.  I make changes.  I say things that alter my life course.  I cut my hair. 

And that's why I hate insomnia.  Because dealing with the changes the next morning can be devestatingly soul crushing.

I think the bangs turned out okay though.

Image from Instagram.

*Coincidence that this week's Grey's Anatomy is the titled this?  I think not. 

3 comments:

  1. Well, I think it's cute! Love you!

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  3. I am so late on commenting on this...lol

    Bangs are uber cute!

    And also, if anyone decides they should never speak to you again because you may feel differently about something that they do, they are being an immature dope. :)

    The end.

    *jocel

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