Something bad happened when I was 20. My junior year at CBU. I posted a stupid video on YouTube, and it dramatically altered my collegiate career. If it hadn't been for that stupid video... If I hadn't been awake and punch-drunk at 2 am... If I had deleted it the next morning...
So since then, I am very careful about what I put out on the internet. Shoot - I'm careful what I say to anyone at all. I'm a very private person. There are only two people in the whole wide world to whom I am an open book about my past. Mostly because I experienced it with them, and so I can't hide anything! But even then, with those two friends, with my sister, my husband, I find it extremely hard to be open about my feelings. Sure, I talk about things in life. New job, decorating plans, ideas for the future. But I don't talk about how I really feel about things. Not that much. Not as much as I wish I could.
I get asked what I think about things sometimes, and unless it's arguing about facts (ie politics, or history), I can't do it. Don't ask me what I think about a passage in the Bible, or a sermon, or about what this book means. I can't tell you my feelings, because if you misunderstand me, you might never talk to me again.
So it is 1:42 AM, and I am writing this, trying not to reveal too much. Researching thrift stores. Listening to so much Adele and Lana Del Rey that I actually cut my bangs tonight.
That is what I do at 2 AM. I make changes. I say things that alter my life course. I cut my hair.
And that's why I hate insomnia. Because dealing with the changes the next morning can be devestatingly soul crushing.
I think the bangs turned out okay though.
Image from Instagram.
*Coincidence that this week's Grey's Anatomy is the titled this? I think not.