Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Thin is a Scam

Awesome blog post about NOT losing weight for your wedding… I love this part about how being thin is a scam!

…I've got no plans to lose weight [for my wedding]. My reasons aren't terribly interesting; they mostly amount to "stupid WIC is stupid". Why should I look unnaturally perfect on my wedding day? Does anyone expect [my fiancé] to be preternaturally beautiful, and do up his hair, and whiten his teeth, and to have been working out seven days a week for the six months preceding his wedding? No, they do not. And I always object to societal standards which require me to do more work than dudes.

I also object to the idea that the less of me there is, the better it looks. Fat and beauty aren't mutually exclusive. Beauty shouldn't be an obligation.

Having said all that, I admit I'm not totally content with my body—who is? Body hatred almost seems like a condition of femininity. I've come out of this particular round of Society vs. Women relatively unscathed, if only because I had the good luck to more or less fall into the narrow bracket of permitted sizes in my culture. I've never been thin by that culture's standards, though—except for once, and that just reinforced the fact that it's all bullshit…

…The privilege of being thin changed the way I thought and acted, in ways that surprised me. For the first time I understood Kate Moss's inexplicable line that "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." I mean, I still believe she said it 'cos she's probably never had chilli pan mee, but—unlike Kate Moss I hadn't made a career out of being conventionally attractive, and yet I found myself checking myself when I was eating because I didn't want to lose the ground I'd gained.

I knew it was all a scam, is the thing. The job of the patriarchy is to plant brainweasels in your head, yeah? The brainweasels are to distract you so you're too busy worrying about stupid things like your waistline to object when dudes keep hogging all the money and power. Thinness is a total con job. It's an impossible goal—you want to be thin because you want to feel beautiful, but as Meg [Keene] points out in [A Practical Wedding], pretty is not an emotion. And it's a dumb reward. Being thinner didn't make me better at anything except wearing size S clothes. It didn't make me kinder to people, or more diligent about writing. It didn't make anyone love me more.

And yet it made a difference. A completely fictitious, societally enforced, brainweasel-based difference—but a difference nonetheless. How freaky is that?

…I'm gonna be "fat" for my wedding. It will make no difference whatsoever.

Because it won't. Strive to lose weight if that's what floats your boat, but remind yourself, when you're being bombarded by evil brainweasels bearing body image angst: it won't make you smarter. It won't make you kinder. It won't make anyone love you more.

Read more: http://apracticalwedding.com/2012/06/being-fat-for-my-wedding

Monday, June 18, 2012

Body image and bikinis

I came across this awesome blog post the other day.  The link is at the bottom.

Summer’s arrival makes me realize how much most women I’m surrounded by (who mostly happened to be big like me) dread wearing a bathing suit. They probably would have an easier time going to a battle ground in Afghanistan than wearing a bathing suit in public. And you don’t have to tell me the list of reasons for such fear/hate/dislike/no-way-in-hell type of thinking. I could say chances are if you’re a fat girl, you know the ordeal of how terrifying that moment can be. But unfortunately stepping out in your bathing suit seems to be a terrifying ordeal all across the board for women of all sizes (thank you dear media/Hollywood/fashion world!).

When you take those covers off and everything is out there for the world to see, people at the beach often don’t hesitate to stare, almost as if to say “how dare do you think you can be happy with THAT body?”. It’s a sad but true fact and not unlikely to happen.

But that’s what I do. I get to the beach; I take my clothes off and enjoy the sun quite comfortably (SPF30 all the way!) in my bikinis, go for a swim, a walk, catch up with my friends and enjoy my family. I suppose I’m that type who really couldn’t care less about the stares at the sight of my size 18 frame, flaunting all my roundness in my collection of 2 piece bikinis. Yes, you read correctly. I have 2 full drawers of bikinis. I’m quite ok with letting all hang out under the sun, without the hang ups about it. Why shouldn’t I?..

…If I had limited myself to do the things I’ve always wanted due to other’s opinion in regards of my body size, I would have not achieved most things I have in my life so far.  And to me that’s just absurd, senseless and flat out unacceptable. Mind you I had a pretty hefty list of things I would not achieve according to others rules. And without even trying, I’ve far surpassed that list.

People will always have their own opinions about things. Most of the times those opinions aren’t the nicest either. Especially when it comes to other peoples looks.  If you’re tall, you’re too tall, if you are short, you’re too short; if your butt is too big you’re fat, if it’s too small if you’re not curvy enough, if you have small boobs you look like a boy but if you have too much you should have a breast reduction. Let’s not even go into cellulites, stretch marks and hair texture. There’s no ending to that list until you say so. I often think that the ones working hard to insert so many insecurities inside women’s minds are often the most bitter and unhappy ones to begin with. After all, misery loves company.

It seems that even though we’re all different and very aware of that, we struggle quite a lot to live with the differences w/o been so bashful and a bitter critic of one another. Everybody is desperately trying to shove themselves inside a uniform mold, like sheep in a heard, lacking the ability to lead for themselves, or have some courage to say “hey, I’m going to be ME and if you don’t like, look the other way”.

I couldn’t have said it better.


Next summer – bikini.  No matter what size I am.




Sunday, June 17, 2012


Longest six months of my life.   Best and the worst.

Marraige is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

But at the end of the day, Matthew is still the love of my life.  And that's what matters most.

Friday, June 15, 2012


Matt doesn’t want me to get a second job, but I really, really want to.

Right now, I get off work at 3:30 PM, and I have to wait for him to pick me up from work (can't take public transportation - the system in LA is super horrible, and the shortest commute is 2 hours anyway, and we can't move until our lease is up in 5 months).  Usually he picks me up about 5 - 5:15. 

I keep thinking, if I got a second job, maybe 20 hours a week, he could just pick me up later.  And the $400-500 extra could go towards saving for a second car, paying my student loans, and me getting my own spending money.  I really miss having my own money.  Having to justify every expense, not being able to buy a latte or lunch when I want to... It sucks.  It makes me really angry.

But he doesn't want me to get a second job.  Because then I'll be tired.  Well I'm tired anyway when we get home at 6:30, so I don't see how getting home at 9:30 after working a 4-5 hour shift will be THAT much worse! 

I don’t know what to do, but I’m tired of waiting, bored, for nearly two hours, just so he can pick me up.  And I’d love to be able to save for my own car.  I’d really like to have money in my wallet, instead of being hungry, unable to buy food because dear husband didn’t feel like he needed to give me any spending money.

I hate this dependency.  I’m angry, and frustrated.  I keep thinking I’d be better off single. 

To be honest, what I would really rather do is split the bills 50/50.  Cuz you know what?  I’d have $1000 spending money each month.  (Not that I’d spend it all.  I really would like my own car.)  If we did that, though, Matt’s salary would barely be able to cover his portion of the bills.

Maybe if I gave him part of my paycheck, it would work.  Like an allowance.

Yeah he wouldn’t go for that either. 

But this…this is just not working at all. 


Thursday, June 14, 2012

Thursday Reflections

I read the best post on A Practical Wedding today.  In it, Meg says:

… I found it so hilarious when I was asked a question by a young 20-something in the Co-Lab workshop that went vaguely like this: "How do you balance work and play in your 20s? Because I want to really LIVE in my twenties, before life's all over." And I laughed and blinked, and then realized "Oh, that was a real question, because that's actually what we're taught." And then told her, "I'm 32. Trust me, the living doesn't stop after your twenties. And honestly, it mostly gets way better as you get older."

This gives me so much hope.  Life doesn’t stop at 30!

See, I’ve been reading about fertility after age 35, and how it gets much harder to have babies.  And I was freaking out, because I want babies so very much.  But Matt hasn’t gotten his act together yet with his career.  So by the time he does get his act together, and we save up enough money to buy a house, we’ll be, oh, maybe 35 or so?  You know, when having babies becomes impossible? 

No, no, Stephanie.  Having babies is not impossible after 35.  Besides, my insurance covers fertility treatments.  And my legal insurance covers adoption.  So I can calm down and enjoy and live the heck out of my 20’s, and stop worrying about future babies, houses, and husbands with careers not figured out. 

Tonight we are seeing Lindsay and the All Nighters at the Edison downtown.  I’m going to wear a cute little red dress and really, really enjoy myself.  I’m going to enjoy being young and 24 and not together yet, and have a fabulous night with my husband and my friends. 

Read more: http://apracticalwedding.com/#ixzz1xmhamaMA



Wednesday, June 13, 2012

12 Days

I’m turning 25 in 12 days.  I feel a little apprehensive, and I know I’m being silly.  I can’t help it!  I’m officially in my mid-twenties.  I’m about to have a meltdown!  It’s entirely selfish, I know.  25 is in no way old.  Another 20-something whining about her birthday.  Big deal.


Today I’ve been thinking back on the past five years of my life.  As I closed out my teens, I was on the “right track” – in college, working part time, keeping things together.  But when I turned 20, everything suddenly went off track.  I left CBU, dated a MUCH older man, went back to CBU, went through a few years of financial worry and stress, moved in with a new boyfriend (that claimed he was a hit man?  What the heck, Steph!?!  What were you thinking?!?), and then – at 23 ½,  I met Matt.  Matt changed everything.  I settled down, mostly.  I attached to him as if he was the last drop of water in Death Valley.  So now things are getting back on track, which is, in a word, bliss.  Life now is so much better than it ever has been. 


And that makes me excited to turn 25, to see what’s around the corner in the next 5 years.  So I will just keep this in my head for the next 12 days, and enjoy my birthday.  I will revel in the fact that I have survived 25 years, when so many do not.  I will be somber, realizing that I may not be able to enjoy the next 25 years, for my life may end in 10 years, or in 10 days.  And I will relax, stop reminding my husband to buy me flowers, and let this celebration carry me over into another year of happiness, sorrow, and contentment. 



Monday, June 11, 2012

Meebo Messenger

I’ve used Meebo Messenger for a good four years.  It was awesome, because I could sign into all my IM accounts, and I didn’t have to download anything.  Plus, it’s never blocked by work.  ;)


Well, Google bought Meebo, so they are getting rid of Meebo Messenger.  Meaning I have to find an alternative.  So far, www.trillian.im seems like it will work well.  I can access all my IM accounts.  I’m trying it out today.  Hopefully it goes smoothly!



Friday, June 8, 2012

Bella's Wedding Dress

Hey guys!


Butterick is now selling the pattern for Bella’s wedding dress from Twilight.  I knew they had the Royal wedding dress, but I guess now they have Bella’s.


The link to Bella’s is here:  http://butterick.mccall.com/b5779-products-22951.php?page_id=153


The Royal wedding dress is here:  http://butterick.mccall.com/b5731-products-14907.php?page_id=153


And Pippa Middleton’s pattern is here:  http://butterick.mccall.com/b5710-products-14906.php?page_id=153


I kind of want to make the Royal wedding dress for a fun photoshoot with Matt.  I think it would be a blast!


Tuesday, June 5, 2012


What happens when two messy and stubborn people move in together?


A pigsty, lovingly referred to as “our house”.


I’m starting to finally organize our home.  This week, I’m going through all our boxes and getting rid of things we don’t need.  I’ve had curtains waiting to be hung since February, so I think my husband is going to hang them this week.  We have fabric for a slipcover for the couch waiting to be sewn, as well as lots of fabric for pillows, just sitting there.


My biggest concern is all the clothes I have that are just a LITTLE too small.  I’m hoping I can fit into them this fall.  But what to do with them now?  I guess just box them up?


And then, once that is done, we are implementing a chore list.  Ideally, we should have done this before we got married.  But we were busy, and lazy, and didn’t feel like it. 


Here’s our chore list.  For the daily chores, BOLD means evening chores, non bold means morning chores 


Chore List


Daily Chores




Make Bed

Hang Towels to Dry

Cook Dinner

Unload Dishwasher

Sweep Kitchen




Make Breakfast

Fix Lunches

Start Dishwasher

Wipe Down Kitchen Counters

Take Out Trash



Weekly Chores


Monday: Laundry

Saturday – Matt: Vacuum & Dust

Saturday – Steph: Clean Bathroom & Mop Kitchen


We shall see how this works.  But I know we really need to discipline ourselves when it comes to cleaning.  If we don’t do it now, then life will be so much harder once we have kids.  (Which isn’t for awhile, but I’m thinking ahead!)

Life in this Cubical

I cannot believe it has been three weeks since I have blogged.  There is a lot that has happened.


Matt got a new job.  He’s been there for about two weeks.  It was rather humbling for him – every time he’s lost a job this past year, he ended getting one with a slightly higher salary.  So Matt was interviewing for jobs making $18-20/hour, and of course, they always went for a better candidate.  This job DOES pay more than his last steady job, though.  After three months, if they decide to keep him, they should boost his salary a bit. 


But the past month has been really, really bad for us, financially.  We went for four weeks without getting anything from the EDD for unemployment benefits, and when we did, it was $177.  Wow.  Not cool!  We seriously went three weeks without buying groceries, and Chase is making a ton of money off of our overdraft fees!  (But what can you do?  Things HAVE to get paid on certain dates, and there’s no way around it!)


However, now we have a very difficult commuting situation.  Here’s our schedule:  Matt gets up at 4:30, showers.  Then while he makes breakfast and fixes lunch, I shower and do makeup/hair.  We quickly eat breakfast, finish getting dressed, and are out the door by 5:50.  Matt drops me at UCLA at 6:25, and then he goes to his job, where he works 7:30 – 4.  I’m off work at 3:30, so I wait for him to get to UCLA, about 4:50 or so.  Then we go home.  Usually we are there by 5:30, but sometimes not until 6. 


We really, really want to move, but we are halfway through with the lease, and we don’t have money for another deposit.  Hopefully, if Matt keeps his job, we will save up enough money in September and October for the next deposit.  We can move either to West Hollywood/Westwood/Santa Monica, and I can take the bus to work, or we can move to Downey/Norwalk/Whittier and I can take the vanpool.  Either way, transportation is about the same cost.


Speaking of transportation, our car insurance is $500/month!!!  What the heck!!!  Our insurance is through Mercury.  I’m thinking Matt has some unresolved issues on a ticket he got last year.  So I believe we are switching SOON.  Because this is insanity! 


My golden birthday is coming up soon!  I’m very excited.  So far, the plan is to go to dinner and then to a lounge with friends on Saturday.  On Sunday night, we are having dinner with my family, and then on Monday, we are going to Hero’s in Fullerton with Gina and Chris.  I don’t think I will take the day off work.  I want to, but then what would I do?  Stay at home all day?  How lazy!  It would be better to work. 


And that’s life here!