Insomniac - Entry 121

For some reason, I can't sleep tonight.  And this isn't good.  I don't blog when I'm emotional, or when I'm tired, or when the words don't come out perfectly.

Something bad happened when I was 20.  My junior year at CBU.  I posted a stupid video on YouTube, and it dramatically altered my collegiate career.  If it hadn't been for that stupid video... If I hadn't been awake and punch-drunk at 2 am... If I had deleted it the next morning...

If/Then. *

So since then, I am very careful about what I put out on the internet.  Shoot - I'm careful what I say to anyone at all.  I'm a very private person.  There are only two people in the whole wide world to whom I am an open book about my past.  Mostly because I experienced it with them, and so I can't hide anything!  But even then, with those two friends, with my sister, my husband, I find it extremely hard to be open about my feelings.  Sure, I talk about things in life.  New job, decorating plans, ideas for the future.  But I don't talk about how I really feel about things.  Not that much.  Not as much as I wish I could. 

I get asked what I think about things sometimes, and unless it's arguing about facts (ie politics, or history), I can't do it.  Don't ask me what I think about a passage in the Bible, or a sermon, or about what this book means.  I can't tell you my feelings, because if you misunderstand me, you might never talk to me again.

So it is 1:42 AM, and I am writing this, trying not to reveal too much.  Researching thrift stores.  Listening to so much Adele and Lana Del Rey that I actually cut my bangs tonight.

That is what I do at 2 AM.  I make changes.  I say things that alter my life course.  I cut my hair. 

And that's why I hate insomnia.  Because dealing with the changes the next morning can be devestatingly soul crushing.

I think the bangs turned out okay though.

Image from Instagram.

*Coincidence that this week's Grey's Anatomy is the titled this?  I think not.